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Alcoholic since day 1.

Updated: Sep 2, 2022

I’ve been an alcoholic since the first time I tried a drink. Now, the day that I realized I was an alcoholic is an entirely different story, but my obsession with always needing more started at 16 with that first drink and never stopped.


If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, “Just slow down,” or, “Just have one,” well, you know how the saying goes. I vividly remember the first time I ever took a drink and all I could think was, “Wow, this is amazing. I need more.” As my disease progressed, the amazing portion of that sentence left and never returned, but the "I need more" feeling grew exponentially. It’s hard to explain the obsession of needing more to people who don’t understand because I don’t even understand, other than I understand. I understand how my brain works, and even though I have mental health issues that have led me to self-medicate, it was never solely self-medication for me. I chased the alcohol as if my life depended on it, yet I was never satisfied - nothing was ever enough. I have the disease of alcoholism.


You would laugh if you knew all of the methods I attempted to try and control my drinking when I wanted to “learn” how to drink. The fact of the matter was, no matter how hard I tried, or how obscure my attempts to slow down were, I was never able to. Never. I wasn't able to grow out of my obsession for more (which I always assumed I would). I was an alcoholic, and to get better I had to understand that this was a disease alcohol could never cure.


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